Be the DVD

“Be the DVD” these are the words that Dr. Becky told me during one of our first sessions without Olivia in the room.  I’ll get to that soon, but first I would like to talk about one of the episodes and outbursts that brought us to this point.  As I mentioned previously Olivia was diagnosed with Episodic Discontrol, where she would act out in a way not typical of other children her age.  On one occasion, there was a science project that she had to do which was due on the upcoming Monday.  She had had a few weeks, possibly a month to work on it, but refused to when we asked her nicely.  During the final week we had worked on the mechanical portion of the project after school.  Today, however was Saturday and it was time for the written portion of the report to be drafted, typed, and printed.  Olivia had no desire to work on this, she would rather run around the house playing with her younger brother (her best friend).

I finally was successful in getting her to sit at the kitchen table and work on it with me.  At this point, she was already annoyed at having to work on it, so I was being careful on how I spoke with her.  I made sure to ask her questions in a way that I knew were not difficult for her to answer, hoping I would boost her confidence and make it fun for her to work on.  After she came up with an outline I looked it over only to find that it was quite insufficient in saying what needed to be said in the report.  When I pointed out the fact that she would need to redo her outline and include the information that needed to be included, she absolutely lost it.  Olivia went from a polite little girl to someone I didn’t recognize, all in a matter of a few seconds.  

At first Olivia was just defiant, stating that “I’m done, it’s fine the way it is”.  Well it wasn’t, not by a long shot.  I calmly explained what was missing/incorrect and tried to help her work out what needed to be changed.  She wanted no part of it, she started yelling at me, saying how “stupid” this project was and that she didn’t care if she got an “E” on it (they don’t give “F’s” in school anymore, don’t ask me why, I have no idea).  I explained, still calmly, that her report needed to get be completed, and completed correctly.  She was so over the top with her screaming and yelling that I started to record our conversation, so I could let Dr. Becky hear the types of outbursts that we deal with at home.  I didn’t think Dr. Becky entirely grasped the magnitudes of the outbursts when I tried to explain them to her.  I wasn’t looking to prove a point to her, I only hoped that with her hearing it, she would be able to give us ideas on how to work through these outbursts.  Her solution for us was “Be the DVD”.

The concept makes sense, but the analogy is all wrong.  The idea behind this strange saying is that when Olivia acts out in a way that is consistent with her Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) I am supposed to act as if she is not there, and continue my conversation or what ever it is I am doing, don’t react to her.  The analogy Dr. Becky explained to me it “you know how if you are watching a DVD and the doorbell rings?  Well when you get up to answer the door, the DVD keeps playing, so when you are done with the door, and go back to the DVD it is not where you left it, the conversation has continued.”  She then explained “You are the DVD, and Olivia’s outbursts are the doorbell, so when she starts, ‘Be the DVD’ and continue doing what you are doing and don’t pay attention to her.  After a while she will realize that this attention getting tactic does not work.”  Well the idea is sound, and I can tell you that it does work.  My only question is, what DVD player does not have a pause button on it?

This “Be the DVD” method works, and works well.  I am not telling you that it is easy by any means, but if you can get through the first couple of weeks, possibly longer things will start to change.  In our case things didn’t get necessarily change for the better, in fact they eventually escalated to episodes and outbursts that were much scarier.  I will delve into these at another time, as I am not yet ready to share this experience.  



Now this isn't to say that this method will work for everyone, or that everyone will have the same results, I'm not even asking you to try this yourself. My goal here is not to give you options to try at home, only to tell you what has and has not worked for us. Before you try anything, please talk to your child's therapist and discuss it with them.

A Tale of Two Kiddies

I am hoping that with writing this, I am able to bring to light some childhood psychological issues so that someone else may find comfort, or help them realize that they are not alone and should look for help.

In my original post I mentioned that my wife and I have two young children.  I am always amazed at how, even though they were both raised by the same parents and the same way that, they are so different.  My son, Oliver*, who is 6 years old is one of the happiest kids I’ve known.  Sure, he has his bad times when he is cranky and irritable, but who isn’t at times?  In general though, he is a great kid.  Seeing the world through his eyes always puts a smile on my face.  He loves school, and always has.  I know he’s only 6, but he was in pre-school for 3 years before entering kindergarten this past year.  His teacher(s) are always telling us how he gets along with all the kids in his class, and how all the other kids love being with him.  He is definitely a social butterfly in and out of school.  He is not shy and never hesitates to meet new people and make new friends.

My daughter, Olivia*, who will be 9 years old this summer is quite different than her brother.  To begin with she is quite shy, and always has been.  As a baby she would cry when someone other than my wife or I would talk to her, or hold her.  Looking back, it wasn’t a cry of being scared per se, but more of a cry of anxiety.  I don’t say anxiety nonchalantly or without a reason.  You see, recently she was diagnosed with anxiety with mild depression.  As strange as it may sound, I’m glad, and in order to explain why, I need to go back a few years.

A few years ago we noticed a change in Olivia’s behavior, especially in the evening and/or after school.  There were times that she would dramatically overreact over the simplest of things.  One example would be if we said “no” to a question about another snack before dinner she would at times start screaming at the top of her lungs and saying things like “You always say no to everything!”, or “Do you want me to starve? You don’t love me if you want me to starve.”  Now the first few times we thought it was just funny and laughed it off, while writing it off as “she is just tired”.  The problem is, is that these episodes started to become more frequent and over time more extreme. 

Late in 2010 we talked to the pediatrician to get her thoughts on the matter.  She recommended that we talk to a child psychologist so we made an appointment and went as a family to talk to her (yes, the psychologist is female as well).  So off to the psychologist we went.  After talking to Dr. Becky* as a family the first session, and then another session with only Olivia and Dr. Becky, then Dr. Becky and myself we finally had a diagnosis.  We were told that Olivia has Oppositional Defiance Disorder with a sub-category of Episodic Discontrol with an underlying diagnosis of anxiety with minor depression.   That is an earful to hear, and a mouthful to say.  What is comes down to in laymen’s terms is that Olivia has emotions and feelings that she is unsure how to express yet as her age, so she acts out to get her point across.  So instead of being angry and dealing with it internally she lashes out at whoever is around at the time.  If she gets nervous or anxious about something, instead of trying to calm herself down and think rationally about her fear(s) she lashes out at whoever is around.  If that means yelling at her brother for no reason, or yelling at her parents, then that is what she will do.

The good news is that at school, Olivia has no outbursts as she is able to control her emotions.  Dr. Becky seems to think though that since Olivia does that, once she gets home it is time for her to “let her guard down” and relax, which lead her to her outbursts.

Over the next few months Dr. Becky talked to and helped Olivia learn some “tools” (techniques) which would help calm her down and relax her enough to talk to people without yelling at them.  Well these tools never really worked, and a few weeks ago thinks started to escalate.  At this time I am not comfortable talking about how things seems to have gotten worse, but I will say that Dr. Becky was told everything and she has decided that it may be beneficial for Olivia to go on a very, very mild dose of an anti-anxiety medication for a period of 6-9 months to see if it helps.  So, seeing as how Dr. Becky is a psychologist and cannot prescribe medication, we are off to a pediatric neurologist for a consultation and a possible prescription.  Personally I do not like the thought of medicating my child, I myself hate taking medication unless it is absolutely necessary, but we believe it is time to seriously consider it.  I will call this week to make an appointment with the neurologist and hope to finally start seeing improvements in Olivia’s anxiety once she starts medication.  It breaks my heart to see her suffer the way that she does, and I only wish that she could be happy and not afraid or anxious about everything. 

As you can see, even though the kids have the same parents, and have been raised in the same environment, they have totally different personalities.  This is just one of the daily issues that I need to deal with as a S.A.H.D.  Hopefully my next blog will be more upbeat, sorry if I brought you down in any way.

*Names have been changed.

Introductions

I'm usually not one to share ones feelings or get too deep in thought as I am a very private person.  Most of my friends don't know me as well as they should, and that is my fault not theirs.  A friend of mine (Sinian), knowing that I don't like to talk about personal things too much, suggested that I give writing a chance, so here we are. 

In order for this to work the way I am hoping it to, I am going to refrain myself from doing too much editing.  By doing that my hope is that I will be more open, honest and true to myself as well as everybody else. 

Now, you might be wondering why I named the blog the way I did.  SAHD is an acronym for Stay At Home Dad, which is my primary job and has been for the past 8 years.  If I am to be honest, the name has a double meaning, as at times I am "not a happy camper" (that is a favorite saying of my wife's).  I have two wonderful children, the oldest, my daughter, is 8 years old.  My son just turned 6 years old and is so much fun to be around.  I love seeing the world through his eyes.  I will not mention their names here, if only to protect their privacy, and perhaps a bit of my own (I didn't say this would be easy). 

Being a stay at home parent is not as easy as people think, and definitely harder than I ever imagined.  Sure I knew I would be taking care of their every needs at first, as well as maintaining our place of residence, but no one tells you about all the frustrations and metal stress being a stay at home parent entails.  It is for the latter reasons that I decided to write here.

In the coming days, weeks, and months I plan on delving into the good times as well as the bad times that come up in every day life around here.  Besides writing to try and help myself, I hope that I am able to help others who may read this.  Please continue to check back and see how things are going.

~Michael